


lay me gently in the cold dark earth

by sadgorl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anorexia, Child Abuse, Depression, Eating Disorders, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Past Child Abuse, Suicide Attempt, this is literally me venting oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23154538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadgorl/pseuds/sadgorl
Summary: three times sirius black almost died, and one time he saves himself on his own.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 86





	lay me gently in the cold dark earth

**Author's Note:**

> howdy! this is literally a vent fic bc i’m having a rough go of it be careful if you’re triggered by mentions of suicide, abuse, grief, or eating disorders

the first time sirius black almost died, he was fourteen. remus remembers it vividly. it was the week of football try outs for the fall season, and everything was warm and exciting and new. remus remembers joking around in class, pranking snivelous, and lots of giggling. he remembers the way that the whole week, something had seemed off in a way they had never really experienced before. sirius—brooding, bravado ridden, narcissistic asshole sirius— seemed happier than he ever had, in the week before leaving for the summer. remus remembered the way he, peter, and james had talked about it. had understood that this was unprecedented, and sirius was never in a mood this good prior to going home. they thought that something had changed, that there was some reason to believe that it wouldn’t be so bad this year. _oh how wrong they were._ sirius remembers it was the week of his first ever council visit to his house. he remembers the way his mother screamed and screamed, because how could he be so careless. he was an embarrassment. he let her down so much that the city was coming to take him away, and he didn’t want that. sirius was young, he was confused, and **fuck** was he hurting. but the calls from his mom made him understand one thing more than everything else. if he stopped existing, he would stop disappointing her. it would put an end to the insults and the belt. and sirius knew that the marauders would be fine without him. they always had been. remus did the logistics, peter was the executioner, and james was the creative. what did they need him for? 

the second time sirius black almost died, he was sixteen. he showed up to james’ house in the middle of the night in between christmas and new years. he had no coat, no scarf, no money, and no medical treatment. he was limping when he arrived, his midsection bloated by internal damage in such an unforgiving way. he was bruised and bloody with a black eye, a split lip, and a slash on his cheek. remus remembers the phone call, the frantic way james had yelled, and the disappointment remus had felt in himself as he boarded the long train from wales to essex. he is genuinely overcome with such a need to help, and when he finally arrives, seeing his boyfriend like that, it will be burned to the back of his eyelids forever. he can’t help but think that. his wrists were wrung with bruises from being bound, and the way his back had been marred with welts was so violent. remus begs james’s parents, his own parents, and anyone who will listen to tell him how to get his best ~~friend/lover~~ / _what even were they_ but it doesn’t matter. remus loves him and he can’t fix it. it’s wormtail, who finally solves the issue at hand, of how do to keep walburga from doing this again. he presents emancipation as an option, and filing a domestic abuse lawsuit. it’s even wormtail who talks it through with sirius, and helps him chose what path to take legally. euphemia and fleamont were so quick to take him in and remus has been so grateful. he remembers it so well, hearing that sirius would be staying with them, breaking down into tears and mumbling “oh please tell me you mean indefinitely— please tell me you’re gonna take care of my padfoot” it was so sweet and overwhelmingly normal, when the situation was anything but. he remembers trying to see sirius upon arrival at the hospital, and being greeted by a family only policy. but that could never have stopped him for long, because as soon as he can sneak back to see him, sirius is beside him and he’s all purple and yellow and hurt and remus’ brain just keeps shouting  _ he’s not safe protect him not safe protect him  _ and he finds himself whispering “please”over and over again because all he wants is for his love to be okay. when sirius finally comes to that first day, remus has to suppress a laugh because he thinks he might be hallucinating it. “alright padfoot?” but then it’s that same helpless whisper that had tumbled out of remus’ mouth all day “please.” and remus  knows what he needs in that moment. he’s gingerly carding his hands through sirius’ hair and he gently states “if you want, when you feel okay enough to move, i’ll plait it for you.” and he does. every day. until sirius is out of the hospital and they’re making mischief once more. 

the third time sirius black almost died, he was eighteen. remus remembers it vividly. they were all so caught up with life— it was like there was no slowing down. between sixth form and a levels, uni and college, it was no wonder sirius’s eating fell apart. they all had. and then regulus’s death compounded that, and was anyone truly shocked that the scars of his past still burned so badly? remus blames himself for never noticing it— for never noticing the  _ white white white _ of sirius’ skin and the  _ blackblackblack _ of his hair or the way the bed seemed to go on for miles around him in a way it never had around remus. they were all soft kisses in the daily light and playing with each other’s hair and sex but only with the lights off and sirius liked it so rough that he was bruised the next day and remus should have  noticed it. he should have noticed that all these years that confidence he thought sirius had was actually bravado, or even the fact that there was less of him to grab every time they fell into bed together, or the way his body was covered in a layer of hair that you wouldn’t find on any of the other boys in their friend group. remus should have noticed. but he didn’t and he remembers the way sirius collapses one day on the floor and they’re running him to the hospital and remus is sobbing in an ambulance and james is on his way and all he knows is that he’s so out of his depth. and then there’s the tube. the bradycardia. the shaking hands and the shaking will to live. the wasting away and the crying over the hair falling out. then there’s remus, ever faithful remus, sitting at sirius’s bed side begging him not leave—not to give in— like a dog with how loyal he is. it takes a few years, but they think that it’ll be okay again. hopefully. 

the fourth time sirius black almost died, he was twenty four. james potter was dead. lily potter was dead. peter pettigrew was dead. they had spiraled out of control driving home from sirius & remus’ flat one particularly stormy night, and none of them survived the crash. sirius wanted to join them. remus lupin finds him. remus always finds him. although this time it’s different. this time, unlike all the other ones, sirius is behind the closed bathroom door, screaming for remus and staring down at his shaking hands. remus pulls him into his arms, sitting on the floor of their tiny bathroom, in their tiny flat, and removes the offending pills from sirius’s hands, in the gentle way he’s learned to from all these years together. “baby, please come back to bed, yeah?” he mumbles, scooping up his lover. “d’nt take any, right?” 

“yeah—i-i called renee an’-an’” he’s so shaken by his own voice, and the tears behind his eyes threaten to spill over. “s-she tol’ me t-to wake y-you” remus pressed a soft kiss against his forehead, and his heart fucking swells up. he’s so thankful in this moment that sirius had reached out for help. he’s trying to make sure that he makes it through this, despite everything. “‘m proud of you for doin’ that pads.” remus tucks his boyfriend back into their bed, and turns to return to the bathroom once more. “moony?” sirius whispers, catching remus’ wrist. “i’ll be right back pads, just gotta check somethin’” he’s going to count his sleeping pills. just to make sure that they were all still there, as sirius had promised. it’s not that he doesn’t believe sirius, so much as he knows the way sirius dissociates and he can never be too careful. he returns to bed shortly thereafter, pulling sirius into his embrace. “pads?” it comes out more like a mumble, but in the space between them it doesn’t matter because remus knows that sirius can hear not only his voice but the pride and the care and the love remus feels for him.

“y-yeah?” his voice still thick with tears. 

“will you marry me?” he asks, reaching over to the top drawer of his nightstand and pulling out a ring.sirius is fucking stunned to say the least. he was just sitting on their bathroom floor, contemplating taking all of remus’ sleeping pills to escape his miserable existence, of which remus is the only saving grace, and now his boyfriend wanted to marry him. is he marriage material? 

“was gonna ask you tomorrow—after everything, ‘cause i know it’s hard for you when we go see phenie and monty, figured you need the pickmeup more now than anything.” remus supplies easily, he can hear the cogs turning in sirius’s head if he tries hard enough, and he hopes it’s not a bad thing. 

“yeah moony, let’s get married.”

and then they’re kissing and remus could swear he’s the happiest man that’s ever lived. he remembers every time sirius black has almost died, including right then, and he knows that it’s not going to be easy— that he and sirius both still have a lot of work to do on themselves— but he’s willing to try it. he wants to try to be the best version of himself. sirius makes him want that. and sirius would do anything for his moony. figuring out how to be a person again is at the top of his list, if it means he never has to lose his lover. they’re not fixed— it doesn’t fix anything— but the two of them are working to be better, and that’s enough. 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and stuff are appreciated! find me on tumblr @mvnvgedmischief


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